Recovery isn't always linear: Rian's story

Originally from Derbyshire, Rian now lives with his husband in Northern Ireland, where he relocated after studying psychology at Nottingham University. Fittingly, his post-graduation career has taken him full circle, practising CBT: one of the treatments he received himself while recovering from the eating disorder he’d been battling for years.

Experience of therapy from these contrasting angles gives Rian a unique perspective. “Having been on both sides can be helpful in understanding people’s ambivalence towards recovery”, he reflects. “Sometimes it can feel weird when things start to get better… and that’s ok”.

Sadly, teenage Rian wasn’t equipped with these kinds of insights. When his eating disorder first developed aged sixteen during the stress of his GCSEs, he didn’t admit there was anything wrong for a long time. “I didn’t see it as enough of a problem to want to get help… things continued to get worse until I was eighteen.”

Eventually admitting he needed support, Rian made an appointment with his GP, where he was told he unfortunately didn’t meet the criteria for treatment. He pushed on and headed off to university – where away from his home support network, things just got worse. Eventually, after completing his first year, Rian returned to his GP and this time received treatment, which he continued for two years whilst successfully completing his degree.

Often, if not almost always, an eating disorder’s roots are much more complex than just a fixation on weight and body image, Rian reflects. Just like any other mental health issue, developing an eating disorder can happen to anyone, at any time. “My own eating disorder was caught up in feelings of not being good enough”, he reflects. “Treatment helped me deal with those thoughts. I absolutely still use tools I learnt in therapy to this day”.

What his own recovery and training has taught him, Rian says, is that just as every person with an eating disorder is unique, so is every recovery story: “No matter who it is, the eating disorder is there because it's trying to serve a function. There's something inside that hurts, and that will be different for each person. In recovery, I learned different ways to soothe that hurt that didn't harm me”.

Having said this, Rian believes a common theme of recovery is that it is rarely linear – a problem, in his view, with fictional depictions of eating disorders. “Often these portrayals follow a neat story arc, and in reality, recovery doesn’t always look like that.” Rather than theatrical ‘lightbulb’ moments, changes are often smaller and less dramatic. “I always think back to a week when my big achievement was having two more baby potatoes on my dinner plate. Now I wouldn’t give that a second thought, but in that moment, it was a mountain.”

While these steps might seem small, for Rian it’s important to remind those supporting a loved one with an eating disorder to be patient. After all, he says, asking someone to let go of their eating disorder is scary. “It’s like asking someone to go into battle with no armour”.

But despite the fear, Rian is keen to emphasise just how worth it seeking recovery is.

“I used to imagine my future in black and white, and I was always alone. A turning point was when I saw myself in colour, and there were other people with me… that’s what I have now.”